scenester187

first. HAPPY SWEET 16 JESS. i love you. =] i hope you have an amazing dayy.
fuck. don't read this. it's fuckin pointless to anyone but me.
i havn't done one of these. and i feel like its one of those confession things at church.
i still love mike. he's now denying that he ever hurt me. physically and mentally. whatever. i know what happened. he can pretend i'm a crazy bitch and that he was an angel. 
i know i should be with jeremy, but i cant. i know he'd treat me right, but were both so mentally 'unstable' i guess. we both need help, and if were together, that can't happen. maybe in time, but just not now. i like where we are. but i feel like shit because i know he wants more.
i'm trying to get as many hours at the loaf as i can before christmas,so this year i can give good gifts to everyone i care for. i have so much work to do for school though. this week will be hard, and test me, but i know i can get through it. 
mike will probably be my biggest struggle.
i just want to skip these next two and a half years and go straight to college. it seems to be so much more stress free in the social department, but more intense with learning, which is exactly what i want. 
i want a real boyfriend.
to figure out my future.
independence.
i don't know why i'm so optimistic. i feel like i'm pushing everything to the back corners of my mind. so later on in life, when things are good, i'm just going to have those problems bubble up, and make me insane. and depressed. i want to get that over with now.
maybe i am crazy.

tonights ska show at the exeter town hall was fucking amazing. prrrobably because it was my first show, but i had so much fun. even though me and alyssa were bummed because we don't know how to skank. =[ we're fairies though. =] i have a huge crush on sommme kidd still. it sucks. uhhhm i went shopping with my sista today. it was fun for awhile but we started to get a little crazy after like 3 fucking hourrss. i need to go to portsmouth! i've had the worst headache all day. the music seemed to help though which is weird. yeah i ordered my dread kit and hopefully i can have it by this weekend because i need to set a lot of time aside to do it. i'm really exicted though.

I GET TO GO TO the HOMECOMING GAME!!! this very nice boy named shane will cover for me at 12:30! now i just need a ride home, ahah. fuuck. 
ew i havn't been driving really. which i should so i can have a license a little after my birthday so i can get a carrrrr. speaking of birthday.. i still dont know what to do for my sweet 16. i guess just go out to dinner or something like that. 
i still want to go to portsmouth. and dreds. i found a kit that guarantee's dreads, and rayas basically willing to do it for me because she loves me a lot. i just hope i don't hate it and want to take it out in like a day. 
i saw brendan downtown, he waved, and i just smiled. still couldnt utter a wordd. gay.
peace.
wait i want long skirts and wool hats for my dreads bad days, a rasta belt, wood beads, fun thinggggggss. i have to write this stuff down so i remember.
k, peace.

so you know this whole panic attack thing thats been goin on for awhile? welll i went to the doctors today and i have this new doctor that doesnt know anything about me really. he asked me a bunch of bullshit questions, of course he knows what hes doing but i dont know, he was just being an asshole and you could tell he's not used to being around kids. so he decided that i shouldnt be put on medicine, i should go to counseling. and if that doesnt work then i get on pills. he just doesnt want me to rely on them for the rest of my life. which i do understand, but he really didn't believe me when i said it was genetic and i might not be able to control it even with help, it'll just happen anyway because its in my fucking geneeeeeeeessssssss buddy.
sorry, long. but yeah....counseling. should be interesting right?
AH im wicked trying to get off work on saturday because i WICKED want to go to the homecoming football gammmmmeee, at least for a little while. eeeeeeh i hope someone will for me. 
i want to go to portsmouth, and get dreds, and have halloween, and homecoming, and my new clothes to come even though i like waiting, and fall love, and to eat a lot of delicious healthy foods like eggplant chips and chick peas.

i'm not used to being this depressed. no one likes to hang out with people that are and i dont want my parents being worried and shit. i had my first real panic attack last night. i have a feeling that when im older, im going to be taking so many medications.
i dont want to live without him.

reading jess's entry made me want to update, haha.
i can't wait for fall and cool weather! 
leaves and hot chocolate. 
sweaters and jeans.
mm good stufff.
yay for the loaf. i guess im working saturdays from 9:30-3:30 and sundays from 9-3 from now on.
so yeah, you know ill be there so visit!!!!!!!
i just took a nap and im in such a good mood. (even though me and you know who arent doing so hot.)
i dont know what im doing tomorrow and it feels so good. sleeping in?
lets hang out! hah.
i feel high. =[ 
now im laughing and my moms giving me the "your a crazy retard look."
sorry if this entry was gay and you think youve wasted your time reading my pointless rambling.

things are going on with me and mike. i dont really know how were going to end up. i hope as just a normal happy couple. haha yeah right. but yeah he's camping right now.i'm starting to think it's good for us to get away from each other for awhile. even though i miss him like hell.
the loaf is going good, i'm starting to get the hang of things and i really love it there. i lovelovelove the people who work there too. not so much the people who come in though, but its fun to complain about them when they leave.
i went tooooooo canobie the other day with alyssa and ray. it started off really bad because me and mike got in a fight when we picked him up and he ended up not going. then on the ride there i didnt feel so good. i felt queezy the whole day really, but it was fun still. just the lines there are fucking retardedly long. 
we're going to six flags soon so i hope that'll go more smooth. and we can get passes to cut in line if there not to expensive.
i can't wait to get to the beach a couple more times before summer ends.
mm who wants to go??

ok so today was my first day at the loaf. it was confusing as hell at first but i think i got some sort of handle now. i learned i suck at the register, using ceran wrap and peeling potatoes. im good at making sandwhiches, cleaning up, and arranging things on soups. the people working with me were so nice and helpful though, thank god.

i feel like im caring to much about other people and not paying enough attention to myself. thats why my problems dont get solved and just stay with me. i realized theres no one that you can really fully depend on. ever. everyone will let you down. i need to learn to trust myself. i just dont know how long that'll take yet.

i just got a new computer and everything is so different haha. im just realizing how crappy my last 2 computers were. 
i just wanted to test out my livejournal.
uh yeah so my sister used to work at the loaf and she was talking to her old boss the other day, telling him about me and how i was looking for a job and she brought home an application. i filled it out and went down there today and talked to him and i basically got the job. 
im pretty excited because the loaf seems pretty chill and ive always wanted to work there.
so nothing else is really going on, i feel kind of lame. and myspace isnt working on this computer.
justin timberlakes new song 'sexyback' is growing on me which is kinda freakin me out.

no job. no money.
me and mike are doing really good the past couple days.
he's going camping for a whole fucking week, the third week in august. great. 
im going to be alone. and miss him so fucking much. 
its going to go from seeing him everyday to nothing. 
he deserves a vacation and its going to be so awesome for him and im not saying he shouldnt go. 
i just cant help but think of me in this too.
working at stratham fair tomorrow. dont know what im doing. 
ordered a bunch of clothes for school which was expensive.
i feel like shit for it. 
my parents are working during the summer and im not doing shit.
like yeah i clean the house and stuff but thats not working.

(haha look at the mood face for thirsty) i meant for a drink not blood.

this summers sucking. im not hanging out with people like i promised too. me and mike are fighting. i missed the revolutionary war day which i was excited to go to all day yesterday and when mike was done with the stuff he had to do it was like 5:30. we got down there and everything was basically gone. i like cried. i know that im still a little kid sometimes. 
im trying to plan more stuff to do in august so i dont get hyped up about stupid things. i want this summer to be something good to look back on.
and i cant help but saying im excited for the new school, but after that first week there school will probably be gay again.
i applied to Dollar Tree the other day. no calls back. 
i get to work at the stratham fair next week though with raya and her friend shelby. thats going to be fun i hope. i dont know what im doing yet though and if i get paid. all i do know is, i get food and rides for free. so yeah if anyone goes look for me. 

yeah so i havnt been able to get on this thing for a little while because my computer fried when the storm hit. gay. so this is going to be kinda long. sorry.

but on the storm subject, yeah, WHAT THE FUCK. seriously what the hell was that? i had like just woken up and my dad comes in and says that its starting to hail. im thinking okay, yeah, we've had hail before, its tiny, whatever. UM NO. a few minutes later im watching the rain smacking against the front side of our house and a window breaks. thats when i get freaked out and go into the bathroom on the other side of the house. the result was a broken limp in our backyard, 11 broken windows, the back windsheild of one of our cars smashed, and all of the plants and outside furniture ruined. i cant fucking imagine the people that were in their cars then. i havnt heard much, im hoping no one seriously got hurt. (haha you can catch our family in the Foster Times or something like that that came out a couple days ago). queeeerr.

anywayss i got to see alyssa clement yesterday because she finally got out. thank god. i missed her so fucking much. shes one of my best friends so it was just really good to see her okay, i guess. she was gone so long she got surprised when she saw purple m&m's. haha. im hoping we can have some good times this summer though. maybe go to six flags or something because she loves roller coasters. and i got to hang out with raya the past couple days. i forgot how nice it is to have a girl friend to talk to.

me and mike have had a rough couple of days but we always get through it and get stronger. were good now so, whatever i guess. he's going with me to my grandparents 50th anniversary party thing i was talking about, which is exciting and im so glad to have some support there.

the past couple days have been good. 
friday i went to the mall with alyssa goulding and meaghan who i havnt seen since school. i miss them already. and yesterday i just chilled out with mike, which i love doing. so its been fun.
i just feel like im wasting my summer. its like i should be doing something else with it but i dont know what. i always feel like this and when the summer ends and people ask me what i did i always say nothing. like what i dids not as good as what they did.
eh i hate weekends, im so sick of my family already. and when im pissed off because there being so effing annoying they think its me just being a bitch.
and i was just reminded yesterday of my grandparents 50th anniversary party on saturday that my grandparents decided all the grandchildren have to perform at. yay. i thought i was going to look like a dork and just play a song on guitar, but my sister doesnt know what to do. so now its going to be me playing Surfin' Safari on the guitar, my cousin singing to it, and my sister just dancing like an idiot. fun? we'll see.

i need a friggen job. my parents sometimes buy me the stuff i want, but i just need money and to be occupied. mike has a job and due to the lack of a lot of friends, it leaves me a lot of free time. i could be putting that time to use. the problem is i'm not yet 16. ill work anywhere. yeah, i know i could work at dunkin donuts or market basket but.. i dont think im 'to good' to work there or anything but hearing of those jobs from friends and family, makes me want to steer clear of them. its a never ending circle until im 16 and i guess ill have to mooch off my parents until then? by then ill be in school again. eh. maybe the dollar store will hire me when it opens? i fuckin hope so.

tonight was amazing and i just felt like writing it out.

i went out to dinner then to the beach with mike, his parents, their friends from new york and their kid tonight. 

i thought the dinner was going to be really awkward because his mom isnt a big fan of me (me and mike have been friends for the past 3 years and have gone through a lot of shit so i dont blame her). we ended up sitting in the bar section of the restaurant, so everyone just ended up watching the red sox game on. 

after, we went to the beach because later on there was going to be fireworks. we got there really early because mikes mom loves this corny band that plays there. after like 10 minutes the men wanted to go but mikes mom really wanted to stay and i really wanted to see the fireworks so mike stayed for me. 

we got a ton of candy and saw a few people, then watched the corny band for like an hour until the fireworks. it was actually really fun to watch drunk people dance to remade songs, and sing along to some while being next to my favorite person in the world. mikes mom was really into it which was cute. the bands last song was a patriotic song and they passed out flags to a lot of people and everyone stood up and sang along. 
it was fucking amazing. 

then me and mike watched the fireworks together. it sounds cliche and gay but whatever. he held me the whole time. the actual fireworks werent really that good but i really didnt care. 
i love him so fucking much. =]